If you had purchased $1,000 of AIG stock one year ago, you would have $42 left. With Lehman, you would have $6.60 left. With Fannie or Freddie, you would have less than $5 left.
But if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It's called the 401-Keg.....
Gone Fishing
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently With two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those Fish?'
'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there Licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?'
'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
'O.K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this'
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
'Well, what?', says the redneck.
The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
'Call who back?'
'The FISH', replied the warden!
'What fish?', replied the redneck.
Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but We ain't as dumb as some government employees.
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The New Mexico State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' said the agent. 'Well,' replied the rancher, 'there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.' 'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent. 'That would be me,' replied the rancher.
haha - so true!!!
Winter Statistics
98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH S**T' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM MICHIGAN AND THEY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS S***T!
Husband and Wife Store(s)
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! - -
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' -
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that have big boobs, love sex, and have money.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
haha! :)
Three Contractors
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC: one from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third from Florida.
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The
Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well." he says, "I figure the job will run about $900--$400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700--$300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that friends, is how it all works!?
Heaven's Horse Show
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks, watching the horses frolic.
"I am certainly bored", stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a horse show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out - "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean, Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven, how could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon, gentlemen? I have all the judges!"
SKINNY DIPPING IN GEORGIA
An older man had owned a large farm in Georgia for many years. The
property had a large pond in the back that was properly shaped for swimming. He
had fixed it up nice with some picnic tables and umbrellas for shade, and he
had planted a sizable peach orchard around the pond, which was bearing
prize-winning fruit.
One evening the old farmer took a look at the calendar and calculated
that the peaches must be about ready for picking. So he grabbed a five gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit, and started walking down to the pond. As he
neared the pond he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee, and as he came
closer he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his
pond.
When the women became aware of his presence they all dived under the
water and swam to the deeper end of the pond. Finally, one of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old gentleman answered, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked, or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding up the bucket, he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator!"
Moral: Some older men can still think fast.
GA HORSE FARM, Inc. - Teresa Anderson, Owner/Broker - 404-667-4843